A few weeks ago, I wrote a post about what your favoriteHorror Characters would say if they were gay. In addition, I also called into question the sexuality of some of our favorite Cartoon Characters from childhood-- yes, that includes you, Peppermint Patti. Here is what I believe some "straight" cartoon characters would say if they were gay.
Sponge Bob Square Pants : “ Well, I won't do oral, but I don’t have all these holes on my body for nothing, sister.”Our little friend under the sea discusses his sexual preferences with his one night stand. And, oddly enough, he does not like sea men.
Bambi :“I’m not going to fuck a doe, but I will sleep with a buck for dough.” After losing his mother, Bambi not only came out of the closet, but resorted to animal prostitution.I think Marcus Bachmann is planning the same thing once the campaign of his “wife” dies.
Sylvester : “I thought I a saw a putty.This putty aint like putty.” The the enemy of Tweety is done pretending. But, with that lisp, who was that little fuck trying to trick?
The Seven Dwarfs : “Hi whore, Hi whore.”These little queens were getting tired of calling Snow White a hoe.Also, that bitch was living with them rent free in West Hollywood - the cost of living in Southern California is expensive. You would be pissed, too.
When I first came out as a lesbian, there were a lot of people that suggested I go to counseling. They wanted to make sure I could have somebody to talk to about this "sudden" lifestyle change. I guess these people were only exposed to the negative aspects and stereotypes of the gay lifestyle. It was not their fault, I suppose, as it was a small town.
But I believe that everyone needs to be educated on the many perks of being gay. So this one is for them.
I don't know about the rest of you, but when I was growing up I wasn't allowed to have boys stay the night, even though 90% of my friends were boys. Needless to say, this worked out to my advantage. Thanks mom!
Imagine. You're drinking with all of your friends. You purposely bought a bottle of tequila for the night, because well, you're no rookie! And anyone who has been to a small party knows that sooner or later, you will start playing truth or dare -- insert tequila here. By about the third round, one brave soul finally takes the plunge. "Caitlin, I dare you to kiss Jane." BANG! That is what I call networking, my friends! (please note: Jane is a made up character, but she could be any one of your straight girls out there dying for a big old lesbian kiss).
I am not much of a religious person, but I think that if I was straight I would be. You see, lesbians don't have to worry about getting knocked up. Therefore, we do not have to rely on the "pull and pray" form of birth control. In fact, we have the only form of birth control (aside from abstinence) that leaves us with both, peace of mind AND an orgasm.
Two words: community shower.
Now, I am not 100% against dressing up. More like 99.6%. The beauty behind this is that, as a lesbian, the world expects me to wear sweatpants. So who am I to let the world down?
For straight people, there is nothing more satisfying than masturbation after a log days' work. For lesbians, masturbation is not only satisfying, but it is also practice. Think about it!
Now if those facts don't make you want to be gay, then call me, because I will. ----
My junior year of college, I was dating this great guy for a few months, but all good things – such as the LIZZE MCGUIRE series – must come to an end. Do you know that awkward moment at the tail end of the relationship where you both want to end things, but no one really wants to? Well, like John Lennon, I get by with a little help from my friends. And a little help from wine; which, I suppose, is why I decided to end things.
In a restaurant on a busy Friday night on an outdoor patio with around fifty people sitting around us, of course.
“I don’t mean to be rude,” I started. When I say this, the next few phrases that come out of my mouth are probably the rudest things you will ever hear. “But since we are both being open and honest, I have a couple things to say.”
To add, I said this unprovoked after five minutes of eating in silence. The second bottle of white wine had just arrived to the table. I poured a full glass, took a sip, and then poured a bit more being continuing on.
“This is getting dramatic and neither of us are having fun. It’s both of us. We both have issues. Some more than others,” I said as I eyed him down. “But, I think I should just get a few things off of my chest, once and for all. You know?”
I literally spent the next ten minutes stating every last thing that I did not like about him. Since I was drunk, I think I made up a bunch of shit, too. Whatever. He just looked at me in silence the whole time. He was quiet. TOO QUIET.
“AT LEAST I DON’T HAVE A DISGUSTING THUNDER BUSH LIKE YOU DO. WOULD IT KILL YOU TO FUCKING SHAVE YOUR PUBIC HAIR? JESUS!” He screamed just short of on the top of his lungs as he tossed down his silverware.
I was in complete shock. Everyone in the restaurant was in complete silence. I heard a woman whisper, “honey, what’s a thunder bush?” I, to this day, don’t know what he meant by that.
Does anyone remember that moment when Ashlee Simpson got caught lip synching so she just danced around the stage and acted like an idiot? Do not judge her. At this moment in my life, I felt her pain; of course, on a very small level, but I felt her pain.
I said the only thing that came to mind.
“You know I hate to garden! And it’s an apartment building; my landlord is responsible for that.”
“You’re fucking crazy. Let’s go,” he said and stormed off into the restaurant, out the front door, and down the street to his car.
I was left alone. The entire patio was staring at me, in addition to a few people that happened to be talking a late night walk. Of course, I did the most graceful thing I could think of; I chugged the wine, laughed to myself, burped, and got the fuck out of there.
So, I’ve been in Los Angeles for five months, and although it’s been dramatic and a little outrageous at times, I’m so glad I made the decision to move to Los Angeles, California from Buffalo, New York.
From living with Illegal Immigrants to having an amazing internship with The Advocate to being written about on a Porn Website to having my car break down in a middle of an intersection with no cell phone, cash, or credit card on me, in addition to no one speaking English in that part of town, it’s safe to say that my time spent here thus far will not be forgotten.I’m very open and although I have used comedy as a tool to open minds and hearts, I want to further my stance on a variety of topics with a more serious tone, which I will do in future posts.
But, for this post, I would like to talk about comedy, satire, and the use of humor; particularly how it can change things for the better.Last week, I wrote a tongue-in-cheek article aboutFour Reasons To Date Someone In Rehab.Is it really funny to see the first person you love addicted to hardcore drugs? No.It is really funny when it’s 430AM and you have to search the bars for your boyfriend?Uh, not really.At the time, it was not funny in the slightest.
It’s been almost four years since that part of my life, and now, as a 22-year-old with what I believe is a decent head on my shoulders, I oftentimes wonder what advice I would give myself as a 18-year-old with no idea how things in the world really are; I still don’t know.However, what I do know is that if I did have a chance to go back in time and give myself advice, I wouldn’t.
Going through a lot of shit at a young age gives you such an awesome perspective on how one wants things in the future.Comedy is how I move on.Comedy is how I hope to help others move on.I know what a dark place is, we all do, and I always know what it’s like to leave that dark place and never want to go back.I remember being in a place where the only times I felt alive and happy and free is when I laughed.And how I wanted to thank every author and actor and comedian and musician for making me feel like that.
I’ve written a lot about the LGBT movement; risqué comedy articles that, I hope, put things into perspective for others.I’ve had it “easy” in regard to the acceptance of my sexuality, and that was still hard. It sucks and it still does.But, above all, I’m lucky enough to say that I am happy.
Hailing from Buffalo, New York, I am a major advocate of anything related to the Queen City – and it isn’t called that because a bunch of gay people live there - just in case you were wondering.My hometown is honestly one of the most interesting and diverse cities, in addition to being a hot spot of culture in regard to art, music, entertainment, and various forms of personal and collaborative expression.Living in the city for four years during my time spent at Canisius College, I was blown away by the musical endeavors of not only the residents, but my fellow classmates.
My senior year at Canisius, I had a class with Zachary Vacanti, the guitarist for an awesome band called Brother Keep.The other members, Nick Sessanna (guitar and vocals), Jacob Sessanna (drums) Chrissy Krolewicz ( keyboards and vocals) and Ronald Walczyk ( bass), in addition to Zachary, have been a vital part of the Buffalo underground for half a decade; one which is competitive and full of talent, I may add.When I moved to Los Angeles, Zachary was nice enough to send me a CD of their debut album, Patchwork Walls, which I instantly fell in love with and listened to over and over.When you’re stuck in LA traffic for an hour or more each day, it’s great to have an album to listen to all the way through, without skipping around to the songs one likes – with this CD, I just pop it in and relax.
On a basement wall in the suburbs of Buffalo, NY sits a vibrant mural of photographs, magazine clippings, and fabrics all linked together with varying lengths of colorful string.This amalgamation of seemingly unrelated subjects is just one example of the eclectic art local indie-rock band Brother Keep has been leaving in its wake.
Of all the songs, I am drawn most to "Anything, Anymore," "Summit," and "Masques,” with the latter being my favorite on the CD.In addition, "Patchwork Walls,” the last song on the CD for which the debut album is named is a great tune which I believe sums up the band. The lyrics reference the relationships between friends and how blood does not make one family.
“We all come from strong musical backgrounds and each member of the band has so many ideas and concepts that we put towards our songs making each piece of work truly unique and special,” said Vacanti.
I would strongly recommend checking out Patchwork Walls.For more information on the band and to listen to some of their tunes, please visit their Fan Page. Also, check out my interview with Buffalo native Caitlin Koch, a beautiful girl with a beautiful voice who is also making a name for herself in the music world!
A few days ago, I read that I lived in one of the most diverse neighborhoods in the United States. And hell, it’s also a bit interesting – a Kennedy was assassinated here and it is the prime location of the LA riots. But, now that I think about it, where was a Kennedy NOT assassinated? Anyways, I have lived in Los Angeles for a few months now and I absolutely love living in Koreatown. Here are some of my reasons why:
Reason ( 1 ) One - Working Out. As a gay male, I can honestly say that I am not obsessed with body image or going to the gym, although I try to get there once or twice a week. And between us, I would probably be anorexic if I had a little more self discipline and self control, but that’s beside the point. I enjoy going to the gym in Koreatown because, no matter what part of Los Angeles I work out in, people will always have bigger muscles than me. But in Koreatown, I always have the bigger dick. That stereotype and myth is true. I would also be borderline racist and say I am a better driver and that all Asians drive bad, but it took me four times to pass my road test.
Reason ( 2 ) Two - Neighbors. People that live in Koreatown are “so nice,” also known as, passive aggressive and silent, in addition to not speaking any English. I think its part of the culture, but I have not yet been in one argument or fight with any of my neighbors, which is a first. Also, the tenants in my building never bat an eye when they see me with a different guy each night and when see me leaving at 8PM Friday and coming home at 11AM Saturday.
Reason ( 3 ) Three – Language. Please see above reason. I am sure those little bastards are talking about me, but I just can’t understand them. I’m considering banging a Korean just to have him tell me the shit my neighbors are saying.
Reason ( 4 ) Four – Extra Money. Let’s just there are a lot of gay men out there willing to pay for kinky Asian pictures, such as requests for an “Asian man in a suit eating vanilla ice cream,” and let’s just say that I always carry a camera with me. These images may be sold to said gay men in exchange for large sums of money. If this interests you, please contact me.
As any 22-year-old with student loans bills and a strong love for alcohol and going out, I am always coming up with ways to make a little extra money – oftentimes, most of my ideas are just short of prostitution.Anyways, I was minding my own business, as usual, when I got a picture text message from my roommate.
“Hey, this guy looks just look you.”
I opened this picture and I had to admit, the guy looked exactly like me but with darker hair.When I asked who it was, he told me it was an ad for Target.I joked that I would print up copies of this picture and the others from the campaign to add to a “portfolio,” then start going to model casting calls where I would pretend to be this guy.
The Real Me
After I thought about it for a bit, it actually sounded like a pretty legit idea.And I think I am going to do it.
I’m not sure if it’s legal, and I know its somewhat crazy, but if Marcus Bachmann can pretend to be a straight guy, why can’t I pretend to be a model?
As I have given advice in the past in the form of a Walk of Shame Guide to help out newcomers who are looking to have a little fun, I have decided to write a series of articles dedicated to my walk of shames.Well, fuck, I have a lot – so, blogs dedicated to the ones that are particularly embarrassing, funny, and outrageous.
“Jeffrey.Jeffrey.JEFFREY!” I heard a voice scream from another room.“I have asked you enough times already.It is time to get up!”
What the fuck? I thought to myself.I stayed in the city last night.How did I get to my mother’s house?
“Mom, let me sleep.I’m too tired.I’ll get up soon.”
The door opened and someone walked into the room.I lifted my pounding head from the bed and looked at an old woman who I had never seen in my life before.She told me that the room smelled “disgusting” and “like a brothel.”I looked around.Funny enough, I’ve never seen this room before, either.
“Where am I and how do you know my name?!”I demanded, of course, overly dramatic.
Just then, a guy I vaguely recognized walked into the room.A few million thoughts went through my head, I think I gasped, and I covered myself with the blanket.
“Oh, there you are, Jeffrey” she said.“Where did you sleep?”
The two talked small talked like two school bitches when I was left to hide under the covers.And when I said school bitches, I mean it was a grandmother and grandson getting to the bottom of why a stranger was in their house.
“Is your new friend staying for dinner?” she asked.
“I don’t think so.He has to get home to his family.” He replied.
“Well, he might as well stay.Everyone is already here and we are about to cut the turkey.”
Oh my god.The turkey?
I felt for my stuff on the night stand next to me while still hiding under the covers.I found my phone.Just what I expected.Eleven missed calls and fifteen text messages: 2:53PM on Thanksgiving. I was supposed to be to my mothers’ house at 10AM.
I gain my composure.I grab clothes that aren’t even mine and put them on.I make sure I have my cell phone and keys and give two shits about everything else.
“Can you please drive me home?” I ask. “I need to go right away.”
“Sure,” he responds.
Grandma pipes in and asks if I live close to here.
“Maybe?Where are we?”
Have you ever done a walk of shame past an entire family on Thanksgiving morning?It was probably one of the most embarrassing moments of my life thus far.And it gets better.
Flash forward two years.I am a senior at Canisius College and have slept in every dorm on campus, even though I got my own apartment Sophomore year.Anyways, I’m about to head to class when I check my email.I see one from my friend.
Good morning!I was reading CNN earlier and if I do recall, didn’t you fuck this guy on Thanksgiving?See you for lunch!
I click the link and gasp.While I will not get into specifics, it turns out I slept with a family member of one of the most conservative and homophobic Republican politicians in New York State history.Oh my god, I thought, I wonder if The Advocate will take away my internship if they catch wind of this?
Well, I suppose I can at least say that I tried to sway the opposition, right?
Please note that while I joke about a lot of stuff, make sure you are following safe sex practices and are in safe situations when you decide to go home with someone.And above all, make sure you have some great friends to gossip with.
“(Name withheld), I’m still embarrassed about this,” I told a friend a few months later. “You banged a Buffalo Sabre and (name withheld) had sex with someone with an Academy Award.And all I got was some D-list politicians family member.”
I sighed as if this was one of the most pressing concerns in the world.
“Well, you know what they say,” she said with a smile. “You gotta start somewhere.”
For some strange reason I can’t explain, I am very much looking forward to having children. Unlike my heterosexual friends who are lucky enough to get pregnant “the old fashioned way,” also known as, heterosexual sex, I am not that fortunate. In order to make things a bit more fun for me when I adopt or kidnap children to raise, here are a few lies that I am going to tell my kids. One - Your father and I mixed our sperm together and you formed in a test tube. Two- Yes, all the other parents have seven glasses of wine at dinner, too. Three- All midgets are really elves that have escaped from the North Pole. Four - If you are not good, not only will Santa Claus give you coal, but he will also kill you. Five - The tooth fairy turns your old teeth into jewelry. Six - The world was created in seven days and a higher being placed one man and one woman on the earth and they populated the entire world. But, there was some DRAMA before – it involved a talking snake, stealing, and then exile. Fuck – this one is too farfetched, they will never believe this shit! Seven - You are the only person with a butt crack; we dropped you as a baby. Eight- It’s just a coincidence daddy and daddy got into a screaming match last night and now we both have black eyes.
A few days ago, I wrote an article entitled Signs Your Boyfriend Is Gay. This week, the website is happy to run a reader submission by Caitlin Krull from Austin, Texas. Enjoy!
We have all seen it - you know, the girl on girl action in the corner of a dimly lit shit show on every college campus across America. Ring a bell? That’s what I thought. For some people, this could be considered repulsive, I suppose. Get over yourselves.
For me, seeing two straight girls go at it does nothing but raise my hopes and aspirations. For years, I have acted on this guilty pleasure, even though it has been known to turn girls out and even wreck a few homes. I am sincerely sorry you guys, but sometimes that is just how the cookie crumbles. It is not our fault your girls are drawn to us.
But, as of lately, I have been thinking a lot about the choices I have made. And although I do not regret anything, I have begun to feel a quarter ounce of shame; no more, no less. So here is what I have to offer you guys. It is not a promise that this won’t happen again, but it is an opportunity for you to check whether or not your girl may be batting for my team. Alright fellas - take notes.
Here are my top five signs that your girlfriend may be gay
If you have noticed that your boxers have been disappearing, don’t blame your roommates. That just means that her panties have turned into manties. It isn’t weird, they’re a lot more comfortable. You try wearing a thong.
If she suddenly listens to musical artists including, but not limited to; Ani Difranco, Brandi Carlile, Tracey Chapman, and Tatu.
Out of the blue, she has started to get very defensive after you say something along the lines of “Does this shirt look gay?” If it never bothered her before, then it shouldn’t now. And if it does, she has probably swapped dicks for chicks.
If your girlfriend’s index and pointer fingers have significantly shorter nails, especially on her dominant hand, SHE IS A LESBIAN. No exceptions.
And last, but certainly NOT least, the #1 sign that your girlfriend may be a lesbian is if she stayed the night with me last night, and today, she is wearing a scarf. Do yourself a favor and join match.com. Find yourself a new girl, because this one has just crossed over to the dark side.
Reader Submission: Caitlin Garvey Los Angeles, California
The other day, a status update on Facebook popped up in my newsfeed.
“I miss Rihanna when she had short hair – a chance to be a powerful role model for women.” I, unfortunately, had nothing better to do than ruminate about this.
Lesbian haircuts are making a comeback because straight celebrities, like Rihanna and Justin Bieber, are validating their coolness. The status suggested to me that people expect a certain attitude from girls who have short hair.Maybe that attitude is something along the lines of, We are so strong and powerful that, through our haircuts, we can give the middle finger to the beauty industry and squash its attempts to define femininity.
I recently fell for the trend and let Uncle Aaron, a Westchester barber, chop off my luscious locks. When he took the scissors to my hair, I expected to feel liberated from the pressures of gender conformity and from a deeply ingrained American cultural definition of femininity.
Actually, I expected my haircut to end the patriarchy.
Turns out, that’s a lot to ask a haircut, especially a haircut that feels like sticks when I try to style it.
The “new woman” isn’t a radical concept and neither is matching appearance to fit attitude -- of course, high school cliques are mainly formed because of how people look. When I wake up in the morning, my hair looks like a brown mop and I don’t feel that powerful.
But why is short hair the only way to embody strength, Facebook girl? Why?
At 22-years-old, I've dated a wide range of individuals -- guys and girls, wealthy people and poor people, whites, blacks, and almost an Asian -- thanks Koreatown, Los Angeles! Well, anyways, each relationship has taught me a thing or two about life, love, and with the bad relationships, domestic violence. One of my favorite flings was a misguided 30-something who was in rehab during the course of our relationship.
Here are four reasons to date someone in rehab
Reason ( 1 ) One - Money. First off, this is a recession, so let's get our priorities in order. When you date someone in rehab, you will save a shit load of money! First, if you go out a few times each week, just imagine the savings that will add up since you don’t need to take a cab. Heck, they’re already in rehab, so most likely they already have at least two DWIs. Can you say default designated driver? Further, when you go to the bar with them – and yes, they are going to the bar with you – when you offer to buy them a drink, it’ll be cheap. Water is free. And if you splurge and buy them bottled water, at this point, you are being an awesome partner.
Reason ( 2 ) Two – Sense of Humor. Well, let me be specific – you have a sick sense of humor. Is it just me, or do other people find it funny to watch someone shaking due to withdrawals? And don’t get me started how many times I laughed myself to sleep after I found him trying to drink hand sanitizer because it has alcohol in it. Oh, the memories.
Reason ( 3 ) Three – Trust. You may not always be able to trust someone in rehab, but can you really trust anyone? However, it is better to date someone in rehab because if you really want to find out what they’ve been up to, just give their parole officer or drug counselor a call.
Reason ( 4 ) Four – Experimentation. Since drugs and alcohol are no longer an aspect of their life, your boyfriend or girlfriend will want to experiment in a lot of different ways. With my ex, we did a lot of things that were nostalgia for him, such as crushing up and snorting Flintstones vitamins, doing a line of Pixie Sticks, and taking shots of mouth wash.
Lesbian hip-hop-soul duo God-des and She has been pumping out tight rhymes, sprinkled with equal doses of honesty, activism, and humor, since they paired up in 1999. As we wait for their next album (due in 2012), we're still listening to 2008’s Stand UP, which features the hilarious (and helpful) “Lick It” as well as their 2009 album, Three, a labor of love between the pair and legendary hip-hop producer Brian Hardgrove. Like their previous albums, Three, is full of addictive, danceable, memorable tracks like the "Love Machine" and "Respect My Fresh."
“They are easily as good as the best that hip hop has to offer,” Hardgroove says of the duo, “and far more interesting."
This summer, God-Des and She played with hip-hop royalty Salt-n-Pepa at San Diego Pride and released a video featuring their lesbian fans after the repeal of "don't ask, don't tell." Now they're hitting the road again, touring across the country. I talked to God-Des and She about “slicing meat and selling beer,” the other artists they listen to between gigs, and their much-rumored romantic connection.
Jeffrey Hartinger: You two met in Madison, Wisconsin, a Midwestern City known to be generally liberal with a great, underground music scene. How did Madison shape your personal and professional lives? God-des: Madison Rules! I went to UW right after high school and really found my identity there. There is a great sense of community and I felt really liberated there. She grew up there and was around a lot of artists and musicians. It is a comfortable, laid back environment that makes you want to create. We created a large local following there that gave us the courage to believe we could do well for ourselves anywhere. But we knew if we really wanted to make it as musicians that we had to go to a bigger city where we could network and be surrounded by the music industry. So NYC it was.
Can you talk a bit about your college tour? Is there a different vibe you get from college-aged fans in comparison to your general audience? God-des: We love doing colleges. We dig playing everywhere but college kids tend to be more politically involved. They love hearing our political songs and don't care as much about partying. They are very receptive to our words and we love that.
Everyone has been dying to know – are you linked romantically? Were you? Maybe in the future? God-des: Hey mister, that's my sister!
As the gay rights movement continues strong in 2011, what is one thing that you believe people should be doing to make equality and acceptance the norm? God-des: Being out and being visible is the single most important thing that every LGBT person can do. The more our neighbors, co-workers, schoolmates, teachers, friends and so on know who we are and like us, the more tolerant they will become.
Who are some acts that currently inspire you two as performers? God-des: K'nann, Florence and the Machine, Adele, Mumford and Sons, BOB, Scissor Sisters.
Who are you two listening to right now? God-des: K'nann, old school hip-hop, Florence and the Machine, Lovers, Lupe Fiasco.
After moving to New York City together in 2004, both of you took odd jobs to support your aspiring careers. Have you reached success at a level where music and performing supports you? God-des: Yes, thank God! It's been a long road since we were slicing meat and selling beer in New York. We have been full-time touring musicians since 2006. And that is because of our awesome fans who always come to our shows and play our music for their friends and co-workers. Thanks homies!
If not music is there another profession you could see yourself in? She: I would be a chef and God-des would be working for dog rescue organizations.
Do you see an increase in the acceptance for LGBT performers in the mainstream entertainment industry? God-des: Yes, we do see a shift. I think people just want to hear good music. Most people don't care who is performing it, they just want to relate to it.
Although you two seem to be a perfect musical pair, you both have very different musical backgrounds. How did music play into your upbringing? God-des: For SHE, music was her escape. Her parents worked so much they didn't have time to be involved in her music. She says if they would have pushed her to do it she probably wouldn't have. We are both very rebellious. My parents on the other hand were classical musicians. They told me, "Honey, you can do anything you want in the world, but please don't be a musician." And here I am! Sorry, Mom and Dad. I think what seals our musical chemistry is that we both have very eclectic taste in music. We feel influenced by anything and everything. We don't put ourselves in a box and feel free to create anything we like no matter what genre it fits in.
A few years ago, you were featured on the hit show The L Word. Did your appearance open many doors? Did you feel a push toward mainstream popularity or did it seem that after this, a majority of the offers were LGBT related? She: It opened doors for us all over the place. Of course since it is a queer show and we are a queer band, we have a very large LGBT fan base. We love performing and doing music for a job. Gay folks make up a large part of society. If most LGBT folks support us, that will make us mainstream. God-Des & She Grammy 2012, baby! Let's do this!
In college, a female friend of mine frantically called me and shouted before I even had the change to say hello. “Hey, can you come down to my dorm right away? It’s an emergency … come quick!” Just to make sure I was prepared, I grabbed a couple twenty dollar bills from my dresser in case she wanted to borrow money for Plan B.
As I walked into her room, clothes and shoes were tossed around like there was a recent drug raid - and knowing Canisius, there probably was.
“Hey, what’s going on?”
“Thank God you’re here! I’m going on a date and I have no idea what to wear. The girls are at practice and I need advice and quick; my date is in a half hour.”
After staring at her for a few moments in shock, I asked her why she had invited me over.
“Duh,” she responded. “Because you’re gay.”
After explaining to her that I had no fashion sense and could not help her anymore than the straight guys on her floor, she dramatically jumped on her bed and crossed her arms. And then she said something hateful.
“OK, thanks Jeff. Thanks for nothing. And do you know what? You’re not even a real gay guy.”
Stereotypes are so 2010. Here are some signs that you are not a real gay guy.
Sign ( 1 ) One – Music. I’m a fan of Lady Gaga, but not her music. If I hear “The Edge of Glory” one more time, you’re going to find me on the edge of a bridge about to jump off. If you’re jamming out to Smashing Pumpkins, Bush, Nirvana, Stone Temple Pilots, and Third Eye Blind, you are not a real gay. And if you are using a glory hole in a gay bar while listening to “The Edge of Glory,” you go girl!
Sign ( 2 ) Two – Fashion. V-necks that plunge to your dick, tight jeans that show off your moose knuckle, and glitter is not for me. Well, maybe the occasional tight jeans, but that’s just because I’m gaining weight and don’t want to buy new pants. If you are caught in flannel, sports apparel, mesh shorts, and the sneakers and tube sock combo, you are not a real gay. Get a grip and go to the fucking Gap already.
Sign ( 3 ) Three – Communication. Ok, this sign is simple. If you use the word “bro” more than the word “girl,” you are not a real gay. Bonus points if you use bro during sex. I do.
Sign ( 4 ) Four – Free Time. If you spend countless hours watching sports, planning fantasy football teams, and NOT watching One Tree Hill, you are not a real gay. I actually don’t watch a bunch of sports, but I do partake in fantasy sports – except I call it role play?
Sunrise brought placid skies. But with wind came chaos. And now your presence is something like a stratus cloud of tear gas. We started out with a pure intoxication of sudden virgin bliss. But soon came a complete inebriation, capped with a goodbye kiss.
Midday injected poison in my veins, and soon I craved the high. And when I got in over my head it took over my life.
You became the poison to my body, and your fumes consumed my lungs. I found it was hard to breathe. I found I was becoming numb.
By dusk I had become dust, just dead skin on your shelf. You so easily wiped me off, and replaced me with someone else.
I went from a first place trophy to a runner up ribbon. A mighty oak tree, that is now disease ridden.
We've all been there -- you meet a nice young gentleman that is so gay that he makes Clay Aiken seem more masculine than G.I Joe.
And speaking of G.I. Joe, I personally think that he was gay. With Don't Ask, Don't Tell finally repealed, maybe Mattel will release a publicity statement soon.
Anyways, I've met many guys over the past few years that are so gay that everyone knows it except their girlfriend. Or in worse cases, their wife (shout out to Michele Bachmann and her drama queen of a wife, Marcus).
Here are some signs that your boyfriend is gay.
Sign ( 1 ) One - Taylor Swift. After listening to "Love Story" for the third time in a row, you apologize to your boyfriend and tell him he can pick the next song. After a few seconds, he responds, " Well, maybe we can listen to it just one more time ... "
Sign ( 2 ) Two - Sex. He wants to wait for marriage to have sex with you. OK -- I have no issue with people with morals and standards -- I myself am a recovering slut. But, even if you two decide to wait to have sex, at least strip down in front of him and MAKE SURE HE GETS A BONER. And make sure that little bastard is not looking at any pictures of men that you have around your room, sister.
Sign ( 3 ) Three - Homophobia. If your little diva of a boyfriend has an issue with gay people, then guess what? He's gay. Sadly, the most homophobic and oppressive guys act this way to get the attention off themselves.
Sign ( 4 ) Four - Clothes. You spend close to two hours getting ready for your date night. You know you look hot -- you'd bang yourself if you could (And, quite honestly, you tried after that 3rd crown and coke and the full length mirror in your bathroom). When he arrives, all he says is, "Oh my gosh, pink really is your color. But, are you really goona do that with your hair? Here, let me help."
Sign ( 5 ) Five - Threesome. After much discussion, you two finally agree to have a threesome. He is beyond excited. After wondering out loud what it will be like to have sex with another girl , he says, "Who said anything about a girl?"
As a graduate of a Jesuit Institution of higher learning, I have the utmost respect for the education I received at Canisius College.
My alma mater, one of 28 Jesuit institutions throughout America, is very unique due to their combination of academics, social activism, and liberal mentalities that are rooted in the Catholic tradition.
Here are some signs that you went to a Jesuit Institution:
At 11:34PM on a Saturday night, you are doing keg stands, bong hits, and lines of coke at a shitty apartment off campus. Or, if you went to a top end Jesuit school, some nice apartment off campus. Come the next morning, you are red-eyed, smiling, and in your Sunday best at the chapel on campus. For some reason, the line for confession seems to be out the door and into the quad.
You’ve slept with everyone on the Lacrosse team and are still considered prude by the standards of your classmates.
You’re parents are either really rich or really poor.
When you are invited to have dinner with the Jesuits, you are beyond excited to see where they live. You are then shocked to learn that they can drink you under the table and most are triple your age.
You arrive freshman year as a conservative or moderate Catholic boy or girl. You leave a liberal, left-wing atheist or agnostic with strong views against war, conformity, and organized religion.
You’ve slept with seven people on your floor – and your floor is not co-ed.
You have a $40,000 car at school, but everyone in the neighborhood where your school is located is living below the poverty line.
Being gay is unique for a variety of reasons, but most importantly, the LGBT minority group is interesting because, if one really wanted to, they could hide their sexual identity from others. And sadly, that is what some people still do in the United States of America and throughout the world; some do it for social status, some do it so they don't lose friends or family members, and in some parts of the world, men and women lie in order to avoid jail time or death.
I understand that the journey of each person is different, but I urge people within the LGBT community to come out; it's the only way to keep the equality progression strong within the United States. Of course, if you feel you would be at risk or harm for doing so, I would advise against it.
So, happy National Coming Out Day 2011, to everyone -- gay, straight, and bisexual. And CONGRATULATIONS for those who are living their lives honestly and open in such a harsh and judgemental world.
Having lived in Los Angeles for over four months now, I've crossed paths with various celebrities and reality stars; and even slept with a few. Does that guy from the 1998 Gap commercial that only aired in Europe count? Well, nonetheless, I met up with a friend in Hollywood for a few drinks that led to a few more. After my third drink entitled "Stockholm Syndrome," I was feeling a little disoriented -- sort of like Patty Hearst when she got Stockholm Syndrome, except I didn't rob a bank with a machine gun. Or at least I don't think I did?
Out of the corner of my eye I noticed a very tall guy in makeup with dark hair (not RuPaul) and I thought to myself, "That looks like the guy from X Factor. I mean Americas Got Talent. American Idol? Yes, that's right." I didn't think much of it because my date was much cuter until the bartender asked, "Are you with Adams party? Would you like me to charge these to him?"
Being honest (stupid) we said, "No, we are not." The drinks were cheap for L.A., only $15.00 each, so whatever.
Towards the end of the night, a few more friends met up with us and we were having a good time. I made friends with a girl with the party and I ate some of their food. I felt pretty badass. As the night was winding down, a few of the girls went over to Adam when he was behind us and asked him for a picture.
"Oh my god .... OK. Can't I just go anywhere and just have fun?"
What? You're a celebrity out in Hollywood at a popular Los Angeles bar a 1AM on a weekend -- what the fuck did you think was going to happen?
They ended up getting the picture, and if on cue, my friend said, "Ok, thanks Adam, and by the way, your five minutes of fame are almost over."
Not sure what was funnier -- that he said it, or that he said five instead of fifteen. Either way, this post wasn't meant to bash Adam Lambert; if all of us were judged by random moments in bars, I'd be scared for myself and my PERFECT REPUTATION. Everyone has an off night and I hope people can see this post for what it is -- comedy. Now, as Adam is gay, make sure to check out the post Myths About Gay Men.