Three Young Adult Tips For The Recession

We all want to party like its 1929, but sadly, we can’t.  We are in the midst of a recession, and unless you are fucking someone with a big bankroll, please take my financial and personal advice.  This article is for college aged kids who are deeply in student loan debt, but have that amazing $8.75-an-hour part time job that you go to when your car is not broken down.   Grab a beer and take some notes.

Tip Number ( 1 ) One – Eating Disorder.  Alright crew, it is time to get our eating disorders in check.  Well, not in check, but let’s understand what is acceptable and what is unacceptable.  Bulimia is out, Anorexia is in.  Girls, gay guys, wrestlers, and all those in between – this is getting costly.  There’s no reason for you to scarf down $20 worth of food if you are just going to throw it up.  Anyways, any idiot who took 7^th grade biology knows that bulimia eventually makes you gain weight.  So, in order to save on the calories, in addition to the cost, just cut out food completely.  And all that acid will completely fuck up your teeth – but, if you want to look like you’re from the United Kingdom, keep doing it.  Say it with me: FLORIDE.

Tip Number ( 2 ) Two – Drinking.  First, please reference the above tip.  Even if you have good self-esteem, you probably still need to lose a few pounds.  The perk of limited food intake results in a greater buzz when you are trying to get drunk.  Take ten bucks, go to your local grocery or liquor store, and get a 5 liter box of wine.  Unless you are a hardcore alcoholic, this should last you two weekends, at least.  And bitch, don’t try to get fancy – drink that wine right out of the bag, baby! My Obsession With Wine is no secret.

Tip Number ( 3 ) Three – Clothing.  Alright, sorry for my readers who are straight, but this tip is just for gay guys and lesbians.  I have written previously about the Perks Of Being Gay, but for those of you who are Sluts like me, this can prove to be an advantage.  After a successful One Night Stand, raid that little fuckers dresser when they are passed out and take what you want.  A Prada polo?  Yes - thank you very much.   And do not feel guility – this is a recession – why the hell are they wasting $300 on a shirt?  Well, you should be glad they did, cause now you got a cute new addition to your wardrobe.

Seven Popular Movie Titles That Could Double As Porn

“Deep Impact” - 1998

“Driving Miss Daisy” - 1989

“Inside Man” - 2006

“It Takes Two” - 1995

“Dante’s Peak” - 1997

“Die Hard” - 1988

“Pretty In Pink” - 1986

What Your Favorite Characters Would Say If They Were Gay : Cartoon Edition

A few weeks ago, I wrote a post about what your favorite Horror Characters would say if they were gay.  In addition, I also called into question the sexuality of some of our favorite Cartoon Characters from childhood-- yes, that includes you, Peppermint Patti.  Here is what I believe some "straight" cartoon characters would say if they were gay.

Sponge Bob Square Pants : “ Well, I won't do oral, but I don’t have all these holes on my body for nothing, sister.”  Our little friend under the sea discusses his sexual preferences with his one night stand.  And, oddly enough, he does not like sea men.

Bambi :  “I’m not going to fuck a doe, but I will sleep with a buck for dough.” After losing his mother, Bambi not only came out of the closet, but resorted to animal prostitution.  I think Marcus Bachmann is planning the same thing once the campaign of his “wife” dies.

Sylvester : “I thought I a saw a putty.  This putty aint like putty.” The the enemy of Tweety is done pretending. But, with that lisp, who was that little fuck trying to trick?

The Seven Dwarfs : “Hi whore, Hi whore.”  These little queens were getting tired of calling Snow White a hoe.  Also, that bitch was living with them rent free in West Hollywood - the cost of living in Southern California is expensive.  You would be pissed, too.

Why You Should Have Sex On The First Date

Dating is often used as an excuse for closeted sluts to sleep around.  As I have given life changing advice in the past on Reasons To Be A Slut, I would like to expand on that topic and inform others of why you should bang on the first date.  You must ask yourself, “Why am I going on this date in the first place?”  Most of the time, you are trying to find a potential mate – would you buy a car without giving it a ride first?  No, and no pun intended.  The worst feeling in the world, behind finding out your professor gave you a B in his class after you banged him, is having an amazing personal connection with another human being and finding out they stink at sex a few weeks into the relationship.  With the population of the world soon to exceed 7 billion people, it’s safe to say that it will be easy to find someone whose good in bed. They may even be a good person, too.

Here are some reasons to have sex on the first date.

Reason (1) One -  Religion.  For you religious folk out there that are saving yourself for marriage, I have news for you:  If Adam and Eve were actually real, then they had to have premarital sex.  They were the only humans on earth, so who would have officiated the wedding – that talking snake that tricked that bitch into stealing the apple or whatever?  So, I believe Adam and Eve had sex on the first date.  If they didn’t, then you would not even exist.  Mary went a step further and had sex with God without even meeting him.  Now, that’s skill.

Reason (2) Two – Relationship.  Now, this advice is for my home girls out there.  Is your first date going, like, really really really good?  Are you in love with him already?  Of course you are, you over dramatic little slut.  Here is what you need to do.   Since you’re going to bang him anyways, you might as well spice things up.  Rip the condom and hope to get pregnant.  Not only will this force the guy to be in contact with you for 18 more years, or until he gives you $400 for the abortion, but if things after the first date actually get better, you already have a jump start on a young family.  It’s a win win situation – well, not really.

Reason (3) Three – Insight.  By having sex on the first date, you will have better insight into the type of person you will be potentially dating, in addition to understanding what they like sexually from the start.  Also, you will find out what they don’t like.  Do you know how many times my little heart was broken because a few weeks into a relationship, I find out my new fling does not like my Pubic Hair?  A new twist on the “pull out and pray” method – pull out your pubes and pray that your date likes it.

Perks Of Being A Lesbian

Here is the lesbian response to my article Perks Of Being Gay.  Thanks to Caitlin Krull of Austin, Texas for another humorous and witty article!

When I first came out as a lesbian, there were a lot of people that suggested I go to counseling.  They wanted to make sure I could have somebody to talk to about this "sudden" lifestyle change. I guess these people were only exposed to the negative aspects and stereotypes of the gay lifestyle. It was not their fault, I suppose, as it was a small town.

But I believe that everyone needs to be educated on the many perks of being gay.  So this one is for them.

I don't know about the rest of you, but when I was growing up I wasn't allowed to have boys stay the night, even though 90% of my friends were boys. Needless to say, this worked out to my advantage. Thanks mom!

Imagine. You're drinking with all of your friends. You purposely bought a bottle of tequila for the night, because well, you're no rookie! And anyone who has been to a small party knows that sooner or later, you will start playing truth or dare -- insert tequila here. By about the third round, one brave soul finally takes the plunge. "Caitlin, I dare you to kiss Jane." BANG! That is what I call networking, my friends! (please note: Jane is a made up character, but she could be any one of your straight girls out there dying for a big old lesbian kiss).

I am not much of a religious person, but I think that if I was straight I would be. You see, lesbians don't have to worry about getting knocked up. Therefore, we do not have to rely on the "pull and pray" form of birth control. In fact, we have the only form of birth control (aside from abstinence) that leaves us with both, peace of mind AND an orgasm.

Two words: community shower.

Now, I am not 100% against dressing up. More like 99.6%. The beauty behind this is that, as a lesbian, the world expects me to wear sweatpants. So who am I to let the world down?

For straight people, there is nothing more satisfying than masturbation after a log days' work. For lesbians, masturbation is not only satisfying, but it is also practice. Think about it!

Now if those facts don't make you want to be gay, then call me, because I will.
----

Are you as funny as Caitlin? Make sure to check out the Things I Would Do As A Girl.

The Pubic Hair Incident

My junior year of college, I was dating this great guy for a few months, but all good things – such as the LIZZE MCGUIRE series – must come to an end.  Do you know that awkward moment at the tail end of the relationship where you both want to end things, but no one really wants to?  Well, like John Lennon, I get by with a little help from my friends. And a little help from wine; which, I suppose, is why I decided to end things.

In a restaurant on a busy Friday night on an outdoor patio with around fifty people sitting around us, of course.

“I don’t mean to be rude,” I started.  When I say this, the next few phrases that come out of my mouth are probably the rudest things you will ever hear.  “But since we are both being open and honest, I have a couple things to say.”

To add, I said this unprovoked after five minutes of eating in silence.  The second bottle of white wine had just arrived to the table.  I poured a full glass, took a sip, and then poured a bit more being continuing on.

“This is getting dramatic and neither of us are having fun.  It’s both of us.  We both have issues.  Some more than others,” I said as I eyed him down.  “But, I think I should just get a few things off of my chest, once and for all.  You know?”

I literally spent the next ten minutes stating every last thing that I did not like about him.  Since I was drunk, I think I made up a bunch of shit, too.  Whatever.  He just looked at me in silence the whole time.  He was quiet.  TOO QUIET.

“AT LEAST I DON’T HAVE A DISGUSTING THUNDER BUSH LIKE YOU DO.  WOULD IT KILL YOU TO FUCKING SHAVE YOUR PUBIC HAIR?  JESUS!” He screamed just short of on the top of his lungs as he tossed down his silverware.

I was in complete shock.  Everyone in the restaurant was in complete silence.  I heard a woman whisper, “honey, what’s a thunder bush?”  I, to this day, don’t know what he meant by that.

Does anyone remember that moment when Ashlee Simpson got caught lip synching so she just danced around the stage and acted like an idiot?  Do not judge her.  At this moment in my life, I felt her pain; of course, on a very small level, but I felt her pain.

I said the only thing that came to mind.

“You know I hate to garden!  And it’s an apartment building; my landlord is responsible for that.”

“You’re fucking crazy.  Let’s go,” he said and stormed off into the restaurant, out the front door, and down the street to his car.

I was left alone.  The entire patio was staring at me, in addition to a few people that happened to be talking a late night walk.  Of course, I did the most graceful thing I could think of; I chugged the wine, laughed to myself, burped, and got the fuck out of there.

Things Not To Say On A Date

How Comedy Can Change Things

So, I’ve been in Los Angeles for five months, and although it’s been dramatic and a little outrageous at times, I’m so glad I made the decision to move to Los Angeles, California from Buffalo, New York. 

From living with Illegal Immigrants to having an amazing internship with The Advocate to being written about on a Porn Website to having my car break down in a middle of an intersection with no cell phone, cash, or credit card on me, in addition to no one speaking English in that part of town, it’s safe to say that my time spent here thus far will not be forgotten.  I’m very open and although I have used comedy as a tool to open minds and hearts, I want to further my stance on a variety of topics with a more serious tone, which I will do in future posts.

But, for this post, I would like to talk about comedy, satire, and the use of humor; particularly how it can change things for the better.  Last week, I wrote a tongue-in-cheek article about Four Reasons To Date Someone In Rehab.  Is it really funny to see the first person you love addicted to hardcore drugs? No.  It is really funny when it’s 430AM and you have to search the bars for your boyfriend?  Uh, not really.  At the time, it was not funny in the slightest. 

It’s been almost four years since that part of my life, and now, as a 22-year-old with what I believe is a decent head on my shoulders, I oftentimes wonder what advice I would give myself as a 18-year-old with no idea how things in the world really are; I still don’t know.  However, what I do know is that if I did have a chance to go back in time and give myself advice, I wouldn’t.

Going through a lot of shit at a young age gives you such an awesome perspective on how one wants things in the future.  Comedy is how I move on.  Comedy is how I hope to help others move on.  I know what a dark place is, we all do, and I always know what it’s like to leave that dark place and never want to go back.  I remember being in a place where the only times I felt alive and happy and free is when I laughed.  And how I wanted to thank every author and actor and comedian and musician for making me feel like that.

I’ve written a lot about the LGBT movement; risqué comedy articles that, I hope, put things into perspective for others.  I’ve had it “easy” in regard to the acceptance of my sexuality, and that was still hard.  It sucks and it still does.  But, above all, I’m lucky enough to say that I am happy. 

And I’m lucky enough to know that I’m happy.

Have something to say?  Suggestions for future articles?  Feel free to shoot me an email at Jeffrey.Hartinger@gmail.com.

Things I Would Do If I Was A Girl

My senior year of college, I was out with friends at a bar (heck, where else would I be?), close to closing time when a couple behind us was in a slight argument.  Soon we were drawn into the conversation.  “Okay you guys,” said the guy, “do you think it would be fair for a gay guy and a straight girl to fight?  I say yes and she says no.”

We all started discussing the topic at hand and after some time, I informed the violence obsessed couple that I was gay.  When the guy said he was shocked and that he could “not even tell,” I told him that I left my glitter, rainbow flag, and diva attitude at home.

“This question may be weird, but I’m just going to ask it,” he said slowly.  “Do you ever think about getting rid of your penis?”

“Dude. What the fuck?  What does that have to do with being gay?” I asked.  “I actually love my penis. And, obviously, other ones, too.”

“Me too!  Well, not other ones, but mine. Can I buy you a shot?”

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how gay guy / straight guy bar friendships are formed.  However, this little occurrence had me thinking … what if I didn’t have a penis.  What if I was born a girl? 

What would I do?  How would I act?  Here are some of the things I would do if I was a female.

Sex Appeal - I know this would be hard to imagine, but if I was a girl, I would probably enjoy attention; and a lot of it.  This would be a highlight of my week if I was female.  Do you know those chain gangs from prison that do highway clean up?  I would follow them, wear the shortest skirt with no underwear, the tightest shit with no bra, and set up camp right near them.  I’m not sure, but I’m guessing it would get me a little bit of attention?  Please note : I would only do this after some research and for those convicted of non-violent and classy crimes, such as money laundering millions of dollars.

Vagina - I would store stuff in my vagina because I would probably not like carrying around a purse.

Sexual Behavior – I would sleep with every single player on a professional sports team.  Hell, maybe even the coach if he was under the age of 50.  Oh fuck, I already did this as a gay male.  Well, I’d still do it as a female.  Let’s just say there is a sex move called “The Stanley Cup” and if you do it, you will probably be bed ridden for a week.

Risks - I would make a few risks as a girl, but nothing TOO RISKY.  The first thing I would do as a female would have unprotected sex three times in one day, and snort a line of PLAN B to see if it would work.  Just curious.  And if not, I would put the baby up for adoption and make a couple thousand dollars and buy that new Prada purse I had my eye on, cause let’s be honest, I would probably be a material girl.

Hot New Band : Brother Keep

Hailing from Buffalo, New York, I am a major advocate of anything related to the Queen City – and it isn’t called that because a bunch of gay people live there - just in case you were wondering.  My hometown is honestly one of the most interesting and diverse cities, in addition to being a hot spot of culture in regard to art, music, entertainment, and various forms of personal and collaborative expression.  Living in the city for four years during my time spent at Canisius College, I was blown away by the musical endeavors of not only the residents, but my fellow classmates.

My senior year at Canisius, I had a class with Zachary Vacanti, the guitarist for an awesome band called Brother Keep.  The other members, Nick Sessanna (guitar and vocals), Jacob Sessanna (drums) Chrissy Krolewicz ( keyboards and vocals) and Ronald Walczyk ( bass), in addition to Zachary, have been a vital part of the Buffalo underground for half a decade; one which is competitive and full of talent, I may add.  When I moved to Los Angeles, Zachary was nice enough to send me a CD of their debut album, Patchwork Walls, which I instantly fell in love with and listened to over and over.  When you’re stuck in LA traffic for an hour or more each day, it’s great to have an album to listen to all the way through, without skipping around to the songs one likes – with this CD, I just pop it in and relax.

On a basement wall in the suburbs of Buffalo, NY sits a vibrant mural of photographs, magazine clippings, and fabrics all linked together with varying lengths of colorful string.  This amalgamation of seemingly unrelated subjects is just one example of the eclectic art local indie-rock band Brother Keep has been leaving in its wake.

Of all the songs, I am drawn most to "Anything, Anymore," "Summit," and "Masques,” with the latter being my favorite on the CD.  In addition, "Patchwork Walls,” the last song on the CD for which the debut album is named is a great tune which I believe sums up the band. The lyrics reference the relationships between friends and how blood does not make one family.

“We all come from strong musical backgrounds and each member of the band has so many ideas and concepts that we put towards our songs making each piece of work truly unique and special,” said Vacanti.

I would strongly recommend checking out Patchwork Walls.  For more information on the band and to listen to some of their tunes, please visit their Fan Page.  Also, check out my interview with Buffalo native Caitlin Koch, a beautiful girl with a beautiful voice who is also making a name for herself in the music world!

4 Reasons Why I Love Koreatown, Los Angeles

A few days ago, I read that I lived in one of the most diverse neighborhoods in the United States.  And hell, it’s also a bit interesting – a Kennedy was assassinated here and it is the prime location of the LA riots.  But, now that I think about it, where was a Kennedy NOT assassinated?  Anyways, I have lived in Los Angeles for a few months now and I absolutely love living in Koreatown. Here are some of my reasons why:

Reason ( 1 ) One -  Working Out.  As a gay male, I can honestly say that I am not obsessed with body image or going to the gym, although I try to get there once or twice a week.  And between us, I would probably be anorexic if I had a little more self discipline and self control, but that’s beside the point.  I enjoy going to the gym in Koreatown because, no matter what part of Los Angeles I work out in, people will always have bigger muscles than me.  But in Koreatown, I always have the bigger dick.  That stereotype and myth is true.  I would also be borderline racist and say I am a better driver and that all Asians drive bad, but it took me four times to pass my road test.

Reason ( 2 ) Two -  Neighbors.  People that live in Koreatown are “so nice,” also known as, passive aggressive and silent, in addition to not speaking any English.  I think its part of the culture, but I have not yet been in one argument or fight with any of my neighbors, which is a first.  Also, the tenants in my building never bat an eye when they see me with a different guy each night and when see me leaving at 8PM Friday and coming home at 11AM Saturday.

Reason ( 3 ) Three – Language.  Please see above reason.  I am sure those little bastards are talking about me, but I just can’t understand them.  I’m considering banging a Korean just to have him tell me the shit my neighbors are saying.

Reason ( 4 ) Four – Extra Money.  Let’s just there are a lot of gay men out there willing to pay for kinky Asian pictures, such as requests for an “Asian man in a suit eating vanilla ice cream,” and let’s just say that I always carry a camera with me.  These images may be sold to said gay men in exchange for large sums of money.  If this interests you, please contact me.

My Plan To Become An Imposter

The Model

As any 22-year-old with student loans bills and a strong love for alcohol and going out, I am always coming up with ways to make a little extra money – oftentimes, most of my ideas are just short of prostitution.  Anyways, I was minding my own business, as usual, when I got a picture text message from my roommate.

“Hey, this guy looks just look you.”

I opened this picture and I had to admit, the guy looked exactly like me but with darker hair.  When I asked who it was, he told me it was an ad for Target.  I joked that I would print up copies of this picture and the others from the campaign to add to a “portfolio,” then start going to model casting calls where I would pretend to be this guy.

The Real Me

After I thought about it for a bit, it actually sounded like a pretty legit idea.  And I think I am going to do it. 

I’m not sure if it’s legal, and I know its somewhat crazy, but if Marcus Bachmann can pretend to be a straight guy, why can’t I pretend to be a model?

The Walk Of Shame Series : Thanksgiving

As I have given advice in the past in the form of a Walk of Shame Guide to help out newcomers who are looking to have a little fun, I have decided to write a series of articles dedicated to my walk of shames.  Well, fuck, I have a lot – so, blogs dedicated to the ones that are particularly embarrassing, funny, and outrageous.

This post is the first in the series.  Enjoy!

Place: Buffalo, New York
Date: November 26, 2009

“Jeffrey.  Jeffrey.  JEFFREY!” I heard a voice scream from another room.  “I have asked you enough times already.  It is time to get up!”

What the fuck? I thought to myself.  I stayed in the city last night.  How did I get to my mother’s house?

“Mom, let me sleep.  I’m too tired.  I’ll get up soon.”

The door opened and someone walked into the room.  I lifted my pounding head from the bed and looked at an old woman who I had never seen in my life before.  She told me that the room smelled “disgusting” and “like a brothel.”  I looked around.  Funny enough, I’ve never seen this room before, either.

“Where am I and how do you know my name?!”  I demanded, of course, overly dramatic.

Just then, a guy I vaguely recognized walked into the room.  A few million thoughts went through my head, I think I gasped, and I covered myself with the blanket.

“Oh, there you are, Jeffrey” she said.  “Where did you sleep?”

The two talked small talked like two school bitches when I was left to hide under the covers.  And when I said school bitches, I mean it was a grandmother and grandson getting to the bottom of why a stranger was in their house.

“Is your new friend staying for dinner?” she asked.

“I don’t think so.  He has to get home to his family.” He replied.

“Well, he might as well stay.  Everyone is already here and we are about to cut the turkey.”

Oh my god.  The turkey?

I felt for my stuff on the night stand next to me while still hiding under the covers.  I found my phone.  Just what I expected.  Eleven missed calls and fifteen text messages: 2:53PM on Thanksgiving. I was supposed to be to my mothers’ house at 10AM.

I gain my composure.  I grab clothes that aren’t even mine and put them on.  I make sure I have my cell phone and keys and give two shits about everything else.

“Can you please drive me home?” I ask. “I need to go right away.”

“Sure,” he responds.

Grandma pipes in and asks if I live close to here.

“Maybe?  Where are we?”

Have you ever done a walk of shame past an entire family on Thanksgiving morning?  It was probably one of the most embarrassing moments of my life thus far.  And it gets better.

Flash forward two years.  I am a senior at Canisius College and have slept in every dorm on campus, even though I got my own apartment Sophomore year.  Anyways, I’m about to head to class when I check my email.  I see one from my friend.

It reads:

Hey Jeff! 

Good morning!  I was reading CNN earlier and if I do recall, didn’t you fuck this guy on Thanksgiving?  See you for lunch!

I click the link and gasp.  While I will not get into specifics, it turns out I slept with a family member of one of the most conservative and homophobic Republican politicians in New York State history.  Oh my god, I thought, I wonder if The Advocate will take away my internship if they catch wind of this?

Well, I suppose I can at least say that I tried to sway the opposition, right?

Please note that while I joke about a lot of stuff, make sure you are following safe sex practices and are in safe situations when you decide to go home with someone.  And above all, make sure you have some great friends to gossip with.

“(Name withheld), I’m still embarrassed about this,” I told a friend a few months later. “You banged a Buffalo Sabre and (name withheld) had sex with someone with an Academy Award.  And all I got was some D-list politicians family member.”

I sighed as if this was one of the most pressing concerns in the world.

“Well, you know what they say,” she said with a smile. “You gotta start somewhere.”

Lies I Will Tell My Children

For some strange reason I can’t explain, I am very much looking forward to having children.  Unlike my heterosexual friends who are lucky enough to get pregnant “the old fashioned way,” also known as, heterosexual sex, I am not that fortunate.  In order to make things a bit more fun for me when I adopt or kidnap children to raise, here are a few lies that I am going to tell my kids.

One - Your father and I mixed our sperm together and you formed in a test tube.

Two- Yes, all the other parents have seven glasses of wine at dinner, too.

Three- All midgets are really elves that have escaped from the North Pole.

Four - If you are not good, not only will Santa Claus give you coal, but he will also kill you.

Five - The tooth fairy turns your old teeth into jewelry.

Six - The world was created in seven days and a higher being placed one man and one woman on the earth and they populated the entire world.  But, there was some DRAMA before – it involved a talking snake, stealing, and then exile. Fuck – this one is too farfetched, they will never believe this shit!

Seven - You are the only person with a butt crack; we dropped you as a baby.

Eight- It’s just a coincidence daddy and daddy got into a screaming match last night and now we both have black eyes.

Signs Your Girlfriend Is Gay

A few days ago, I wrote an article entitled Signs Your Boyfriend Is Gay.  This week, the website is happy to run a reader submission by Caitlin Krull from Austin, Texas.  Enjoy!

 

We have all seen it - you know, the girl on girl action in the corner of a dimly lit shit show on every college campus across America. Ring a bell? That’s what I thought. For some people, this could be considered repulsive, I suppose. Get over yourselves.

For me, seeing two straight girls go at it does nothing but raise my hopes and aspirations. For years, I have acted on this guilty pleasure, even though it has been known to turn girls out and even wreck a few homes. I am sincerely sorry you guys, but sometimes that is just how the cookie crumbles. It is not our fault your girls are drawn to us.

But, as of lately, I have been thinking a lot about the choices I have made. And although I do not regret anything, I have begun to feel a quarter ounce of shame; no more, no less. So here is what I have to offer you guys. It is not a promise that this won’t happen again, but it is an opportunity for you to check whether or not your girl may be batting for my team. Alright fellas - take notes.

Here are my top five signs that your girlfriend may be gay

If you have noticed that your boxers have been disappearing, don’t blame your roommates. That just means that her panties have turned into manties. It isn’t weird, they’re a lot more comfortable. You try wearing a thong.

If she suddenly listens to musical artists including, but not limited to; Ani Difranco, Brandi Carlile, Tracey Chapman, and Tatu.

Out of the blue, she has started to get very defensive after you say something along the lines of “Does this shirt look gay?” If it never bothered her before, then it shouldn’t now. And if it does, she has probably swapped dicks for chicks.

If your girlfriend’s index and pointer fingers have significantly shorter nails, especially on her dominant hand, SHE IS A LESBIAN. No exceptions.

And last, but certainly NOT least, the #1 sign that your girlfriend may be a lesbian is if she stayed the night with me last night, and today, she is wearing a scarf. Do yourself a favor and join match.com. Find yourself a new girl, because this one has just crossed over to the dark side.

Four Reasons To Be A Slut

Early into my freshman year of college, I grabbed lunch at a café on campus with my friend when we overheard a conversation at the table next to us.  “Holy shit,” said one girl, “I hooked up with so many fucking people this weekend.” 

This weekend?  Wow, you go girl, I thought to myself. And more importantly, I was in no place to judge, as I was Dating (ahem, banging) someone that worked at my small, Catholic college. He may or may not have been a professor. Cue little giggle.

My friend and I surveyed the girl; gorgeous, well dressed, somewhat conservative looking.  Then it hit me and ironically, it was one of the first things I “learned” at college – sluts are no longer reserved for those girls (or gay boys) who wear tight clothes, thongs, and are openly promiscuous.  And further, being slutty is not - and should not - be considered something that is looked down upon. It is something that should be embraced. It is something that should be applauded.

Here are my four reasons why

Reason ( 1 ) One – Protection.  Alright, those in us in Generation Y can no longer act ignorant and uneducated on safe sex practices like the generations before us.  Pull out and pray?  No, I don’t think so – although I do pull out into traffic sometimes without looking and hope that no one is coming (no pun intended). And if there is a little mistake, girls have PLAN B. Or PLAN C, which is “accidentally” falling down three flights of stairs and having your fuck buddy left hook your stomach.

Reason ( 2 ) Two – The Future.  This may seem a little dramatic, but your entire future and happiness depends on you being a slut.  What is the divorce rate in the United States? How many people have affairs?  My point exactly.  Find out in your youth what you like sexually, what you like in a relationship, and have that gang bang at 24-years-old, cause if you are any older, it’s a little trashy.  Let’s be respectful, you know?  And if there are six guys and two girls, saying “no homo” still makes you gay. Sorry buddy.

Reason ( 3 ) Three – Because It’s Fun.  Who really cares how many people you are hooking up with as long as you are safe?  And honestly – if you are blackout drunk and can’t remember it – it never happened.  Well, unless you have a baby 9 months later. But, you could always say it was Immaculate Conception.  Millions of people believe the lie about that girl Mary, so why won’t they believe it about you?

Reason ( 4 ) Four – You Owe It To Others.  Yes, you owe it to others in the world that are unable to express themselves sexually.  I’m sure in conservative counties where women can only show their eyes that they are the freakiest sexual beings out there due to all the rules in their society, but they only get one or two sexual partners their whole life time.  Lack of sexual partners, in my opinion, is worse than not being able to vote and showing only .05% of your body – just sayin’.  So, before you fuck that random stranger from the bar this weekend, simply whisper, “This is for Anika Wehkabhi Abadullah from Iran. You’re welcome."

The Night I Was Kicked Out Of A Threesome.

My One Night Stand Stole Food From Me

A few days ago, I was holed up in a trendy Asian coffee shop in Los Angeles working on a freelance job that I put off to the last minute.  Since all my friends are : crazy, funny, or just simply out of control – but usually a combination of all three – most likely, I am unable to get any work done unless I completely cut myself off from communication for a few hours.  Of course, I decided to check my phone and the little fuckers sidetracked me for an hour or so.  When I turned on my Blackberry, I had the following voicemails or text messages detailing the following:

1)  My straight friend saying that he was propositioned for gay sex in an upscale stores bathroom.
2)  My gay friend saying that the real reason we met is because our mutual friend said that I was a skank and a guaranteed hookup.
3)  My formerly straight friend saying that he was gay and that his boyfriend of four months had contacted the girl he was dating over the past few months.

Just a day in the life in modern America, no big deal.

I dealt with the varying degrees of drama, laughed so hard at times that I had to go outside to gain my composure, and decided to get back to work.  Right before I shut off my phone again, I got a text message from “Kyle,” the last guy from Canisius I hooked up with before I moved to Los Angeles.

“Hey dude, I have to tell you something … “

A few thoughts raced through my head, mainly, GOD, please don’t let him be pregnant … please don’t let him be pregnant … oh wait; we are both dudes, never mind.

“Jeff, so … remember that night we hooked up?  I sort of stole food from you when I left. I smoked a lot of pot, hooked up with you, raided your fridge before I left, and took a chicken pot pie.”

He told me that he read my post about DRUNK TEXTING, which was most likely the reason our romp occurred in the first place, and was inspired to come clean.

So, Gen Yers, lets use Kyle, my last hookup from college, to serve as an example to others – sort of like Ghandi, but sluttier, bi, and that he is somewhat of a thief and a pothead.

If you have every stole food from a ONE NIGHT STAND, a FRIEND WITH BENEFITS, or a fuck buddy, its time to come clean before you come again – only the truth will set you free.

Why My Lesbian Haircut Isn’t Ending The Patriarchy

Reader Submission: Caitlin Garvey
Los Angeles, California


The other day, a status update on Facebook popped up in my newsfeed.


“I miss Rihanna when she had short hair – a chance to be a powerful role model for women.” I, unfortunately, had nothing better to do than ruminate about this.

Lesbian haircuts are making a comeback because straight celebrities, like Rihanna and Justin Bieber, are validating their coolness. The status suggested to me that people expect a certain attitude from girls who have short hair.  Maybe that attitude is something along the lines of, We are so strong and powerful that, through our haircuts, we can give the middle finger to the beauty industry and squash its attempts to define femininity.

I recently fell for the trend and let Uncle Aaron, a Westchester barber, chop off my luscious locks. When he took the scissors to my hair, I expected to feel liberated from the pressures of gender conformity and from a deeply ingrained American cultural definition of femininity.

Actually, I expected my haircut to end the patriarchy.

Turns out, that’s a lot to ask a haircut, especially a haircut that feels like sticks when I try to style it.

The “new woman” isn’t a radical concept and neither is matching appearance to fit attitude -- of course, high school cliques are mainly formed because of how people look. When I wake up in the morning, my hair looks like a brown mop and I don’t feel that powerful.

But why is short hair the only way to embody strength, Facebook girl? Why?

Four Reasons To Date Someone In Rehab

At 22-years-old, I've dated a wide range of individuals -- guys and girls, wealthy people and poor people, whites, blacks, and almost an Asian -- thanks Koreatown, Los Angeles!  Well, anyways, each relationship has taught me a thing or two about life, love, and with the bad relationships, domestic violence.  One of my favorite flings was a misguided 30-something who was in rehab during the course of our relationship.

Here are four reasons to date someone in rehab

Reason ( 1 ) One - Money.  First off, this is a recession, so let's get our priorities in order.  When you date someone in rehab, you will save a shit load of money!  First, if you go out a few times each week, just imagine the savings that will add up since you don’t need to take a cab.  Heck, they’re already in rehab, so most likely they already have at least two DWIs.  Can you say default designated driver? Further, when you go to the bar with them – and yes, they are going to the bar with you – when you offer to buy them a drink, it’ll be cheap. Water is free.  And if you splurge and buy them bottled water, at this point, you are being an awesome partner.

Reason ( 2 ) Two – Sense of Humor.  Well, let me be specific – you have a sick sense of humor.  Is it just me, or do other people find it funny to watch someone shaking due to withdrawals?  And don’t get me started how many times I laughed myself to sleep after I found him trying to drink hand sanitizer because it has alcohol in it.  Oh, the memories.

Reason ( 3 ) Three – Trust.  You may not always be able to trust someone in rehab, but can you really trust anyone?  However, it is better to date someone in rehab because if you really want to find out what they’ve been up to, just give their parole officer or drug counselor a call.

Reason ( 4 ) Four – Experimentation.  Since drugs and alcohol are no longer an aspect of their life, your boyfriend or girlfriend will want to experiment in a lot of different ways.  With my ex, we did a lot of things that were nostalgia for him, such as crushing up and snorting Flintstones vitamins, doing a line of Pixie Sticks, and taking shots of mouth wash.

A New Twist On Old Quotes

Are you tired of reading and hearing the same quotes over and over again?  It's time for some reinvention, people.  Here is my take on a some classic quotes.

Original

" Shoot for the moon.  Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars. "
-- Brian Littrell

Slut Version

" Shoot for the dick.  Even if you miss, you'll land among the balls. "
-- Jeffrey Hartinger

Original

" When I count my blessings, I count you twice. "
-- Anonymous

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder Version

" When  I count my blessings, I count you 1, 347 times. "
-- Jeffrey Hartinger

Original

" A wise girl kisses but doesn't love, listens but doesn't believe, and leaves before she is left. ”
-- Marilyn Monroe

Slut Version

" A wise girl has unprotected sex but doesn't pay for the abortion, listens but doesn't care, and leaves before the sun comes up. "
-- Jeffrey Hartinger

Original

" A right delayed is a right denied. "
-- Martin Luther King, Jr.

Late Night Version

" A drunk text ignored is a romp denied. "
-- Jeffrey Hartinger

Interview with God-Es & She

Lesbian hip-hop-soul duo God-des and She has been pumping out tight rhymes, sprinkled with equal doses of honesty, activism, and humor, since they paired up in 1999. As we wait for their next album (due in 2012), we're still listening to 2008’s Stand UP, which features the hilarious (and helpful) “Lick It” as well as their 2009 album, Three, a labor of love between the pair and legendary hip-hop producer Brian Hardgrove. Like their previous albums, Three, is full of addictive, danceable, memorable tracks like the "Love Machine" and "Respect My Fresh."

“They are easily as good as the best that hip hop has to offer,” Hardgroove says of the duo, “and far more interesting."

This summer, God-Des and She played with hip-hop royalty Salt-n-Pepa at San Diego Pride and released a video featuring their lesbian fans after the repeal of "don't ask, don't tell." Now they're hitting the road again, touring across the country. I talked to God-Des and She about “slicing meat and selling beer,” the other artists they listen to between gigs, and their much-rumored romantic connection.

Jeffrey Hartinger: You two met in Madison, Wisconsin, a Midwestern City known to be generally liberal with a great, underground music scene.  How did Madison shape your personal and professional lives?
God-des: Madison Rules! I went to UW right after high school and really found my identity there. There is a great sense of community and I felt really liberated there. She grew up there and was around a lot of artists and musicians. It is a comfortable, laid back environment that makes you want to create. We created a large local following there that gave us the courage to believe we could do well for ourselves anywhere. But we knew if we really wanted to make it as musicians that we had to go to a bigger city where we could network and be surrounded by the music industry. So NYC it was.

Can you talk a bit about your college tour? Is there a different vibe you get from college-aged fans in comparison to your general audience?
God-des: We love doing colleges. We dig playing everywhere but college kids tend to be more politically involved.  They love hearing our political songs and don't care as much about partying. They are very receptive to our words and we love that.

Everyone has been dying to know – are you linked romantically?  Were you? Maybe in the future?
God-des: Hey mister, that's my sister!

As the gay rights movement continues strong in 2011, what is one thing that you believe people should be doing to make equality and acceptance the norm?
God-des: Being out and being visible is the single most important thing that every LGBT person can do.  The more our neighbors, co-workers, schoolmates, teachers, friends and so on know who we are and like us, the more tolerant they will become.

Who are some acts that currently inspire you two as performers?
God-des: K'nann, Florence and the Machine, Adele, Mumford and Sons, BOB, Scissor Sisters.

Who are you two listening to right now?
God-des: K'nann, old school hip-hop, Florence and the Machine, Lovers, Lupe Fiasco.

After moving to New York City together in 2004, both of you took odd jobs to support your aspiring careers. Have you reached success at a level where music and performing supports you?
God-des: Yes, thank God! It's been a long road since we were slicing meat and selling beer in New York. We have been full-time touring musicians since 2006. And that is because of our awesome fans who always come to our shows and play our music for their friends and co-workers. Thanks homies!

If not music is there another profession you could see yourself in?
She: I would be a chef and God-des would be working for dog rescue organizations.  

Do you see an increase in the acceptance for LGBT performers in the mainstream entertainment industry?
God-des: Yes, we do see a shift. I think people just want to hear good music. Most people don't care who is performing it, they just want to relate to it.

Although you two seem to be a perfect musical pair, you both have very different musical backgrounds. How did music play into your upbringing?
God-des: For SHE, music was her escape. Her parents worked so much they didn't have time to be involved in her music. She says if they would have pushed her to do it she probably wouldn't have. We are both very rebellious. My parents on the other hand were classical musicians. They told me, "Honey, you can do anything you want in the world, but please don't be a musician." And here I am! Sorry, Mom and Dad. I think what seals our musical chemistry is that we both have very eclectic taste in music. We feel influenced by anything and everything. We don't put ourselves in a box and feel free to create anything we like no matter what genre it fits in.

A few years ago, you were featured on the hit show The L Word. Did your appearance open many doors?  Did you feel a push toward mainstream popularity or did it seem that after this, a majority of the offers were LGBT related?
She: It opened doors for us all over the place. Of course since it is a queer show and we are a queer band, we have a very large LGBT fan base. We love performing and doing music for a job.  Gay folks make up a large part of society. If most LGBT folks support us, that will make us mainstream. God-Des & She Grammy 2012, baby! Let's do this!

Signs You Are Not A Real Gay Guy

In college, a female friend of mine frantically called me and shouted before I even had the change to say hello.  “Hey, can you come down to my dorm right away? It’s an emergency … come quick!” Just to make sure I was prepared, I grabbed a couple twenty dollar bills from my dresser in case she wanted to borrow money for Plan B.

As I walked into her room, clothes and shoes were tossed around like there was a recent drug raid - and knowing Canisius, there probably was.

“Hey, what’s going on?”

“Thank God you’re here!  I’m going on a date and I have no idea what to wear.  The girls are at practice and I need advice and quick; my date is in a half hour.”

After staring at her for a few moments in shock, I asked her why she had invited me over.

 “Duh,” she responded. “Because you’re gay.”

After explaining to her that I had no fashion sense and could not help her anymore than the straight guys on her floor, she dramatically jumped on her bed and crossed her arms.  And then she said something hateful.

“OK, thanks Jeff. Thanks for nothing.  And do you know what?  You’re not even a real gay guy.”

Harsh.

Stereotypes are so 2012.  Here are some signs that you are not a real gay guy.

Sign ( 1 ) One – Music.  I’m a fan of Lady Gaga, but not her music.  If I hear “The Edge of Glory” one more time, you’re going to find me on the edge of a bridge about to jump off.  If you’re jamming out to Smashing Pumpkins, Bush, Nirvana, Stone Temple Pilots, and Third Eye Blind, you are not a real gay.  And if you are using a glory hole in a gay bar while listening to “The Edge of Glory,” you go girl!

Sign ( 2 ) Two – Fashion.  V-necks that plunge to your dick, tight jeans that show off your moose knuckle, and glitter is not for me.  Well, maybe the occasional tight jeans, but that’s just because I’m gaining weight and don’t want to buy new pants.  If you are caught in flannel, sports apparel, mesh shorts, and the sneakers and tube sock combo, you are not a real gay.  Get a grip and go to the fucking Gap already.

Sign ( 3 ) Three – Communication.  Ok, this sign is simple.  If you use the word “bro” more than the word “girl,” you are not a real gay.  Bonus points if you use bro during sex. I do.

Sign ( 4 ) Four – Free Time.  If you spend countless hours watching sports, planning fantasy football teams, and NOT watching One Tree Hill, you are not a real gay.  I actually don’t watch a bunch of sports, but I do partake in fantasy sports – except I call it role play?

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