December 1, 2011

3 Reasons Why Gays Should Not Marry

Animals – If gays are allowed to marry, then all sorts of crazy is going to happen: people are going to marry dogs, cats, plants, and maybe even a television.  And according to someone from the Michele Bachmann campaign, women will want to marry the Eiffel Tower.  Ok – let’s get a few things “straight.”  First, Michele Bachmann is already married to an animal – Marcus is a pussy. Second, speaking of the Eiffel Tower, that’s the sex act her husband did with two gay clients before they were counseled into being heterosexual.
History – Alright, marriage has ALWAYS been between a man and woman.  Things should not change.  Evolution?  This needs to be ended, too.  Actually, everyone should be dinosaurs.  Yes, that makes sense, since they were the first things on the planet; that’s the way it should be.  Oh, and no gay dinosaurs.  Can you imagine two gay T-Rexes in a cat fight with those little arms?  Not cute.
Children - Kids will have no idea what is going on with two guys or two girls raising them.  As an infant, they will sit in their crib and think, “Oh fuck.  This is weird.  I can’t grasp this.  Two people of the same sex who love me.  Holy shit.  I need drugs to cope. I already don’t want to go to college.  Fuck it; I’ll just become gay, too.”  I’ve also heard of some children that were adopted from China, India, and Africa by gay couples that asked to be returned to the orphanage because they were so outraged.
Of course, this post was meant to be a joke, and ironically, a joke is exactly what the arguments against same-sex marriage happens to be.  It’s not about religion.  It’s not about the norm.  It’s about equality.  Make sure to check out Nine Myths About Gay Men.

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