A few days ago, I decided to come clean about my long and troubled past with red head discrimination. In an effort to move beyond My Red Head Phobia, I will not only try to befriend these red beings, but I will also make it a priority to fuck one of them. I’m not sure if this is a healthy response to overcoming a phobia, but since I don’t have time to make an appointment with a psychologist before the upcoming book tour, I will be taking the best advice I know; my own. Here are my reasons you should have sex with a red head, too.
Reason (1) One – Crazy Sex. When I was pondering why anyone would want to have sex with a red head, this reason seemed to be the most obvious. After I wrote the article about my fear of red heads, many people messaged me and said, “Yeah, me too, but I don’t want anyone else to know.” So, this is one of the biggest secrets in America right now – other than the fact that Marcus Bachmann is actually gay. But, don’t say anything, because no one is on to him. The reasons that red heads have crazy sex is because they are not quite sure the next time they will be presented with the opportunity to fool around. Want to try that extra kinky sex move? Do it with a red head. First time doing anal? Red head. Wanna smack the other person around a bit during sex? Again, a red head. Actually, they may be used to the last one, since red headed children are beat the most.
Reason (2) Two – Research. Yes, you heard me. Although I am trying to overcome my phobia, I am still a little skeptical of red haired creatures that resemble human beings. So, this is what you need to do. In the middle of sex, start feeling the back of their head to see if you can find any bumps where their horns used to be. If you find any, lean over to the night stand and grab the holy water you prepared hours earlier. However, I would recommend this after the sex is already over – if it’s going good, why not just wait until you finish?
Reason (3) Three – Sabotage. Alright, this is where you need to really commit. After banging the red head, convince them a few weeks later that you are in love with them and that you want to spend the rest of your life together. Being redheads, aka, desperate, they will agree to be with anyone or anything with a pulse. Sometimes even with things that don’t have a pulse. Then you drop this bit of news ever so slightly: you can only be with them under the condition that they tie their tubes or snip their dick. As red heads are going to extinct within the next 100 years due to evolution and the lack of recessive traits, this will help speed things up a bit. Once the operation is done, tell them their red hair blinded you and that you weren’t in the right state of mind when you agreed to be with them.
Please note I mean no offense to those in the LGBT community. In this case, the G stands for Ginger. You can guess what the other letters mean. Further, I think I like a red haired man named Jack who is a ginger. Well, I like the drink Jack and Ginger, isn’t it the same thing? Oh well.