October 17, 2011

Signs You Are Not A Real Gay Guy

In college, a female friend of mine frantically called me and shouted before I even had the change to say hello.  “Hey, can you come down to my dorm right away? It’s an emergency … come quick!” Just to make sure I was prepared, I grabbed a couple twenty dollar bills from my dresser in case she wanted to borrow money for Plan B.

As I walked into her room, clothes and shoes were tossed around like there was a recent drug raid - and knowing Canisius, there probably was.

“Hey, what’s going on?”

“Thank God you’re here!  I’m going on a date and I have no idea what to wear.  The girls are at practice and I need advice and quick; my date is in a half hour.”

After staring at her for a few moments in shock, I asked her why she had invited me over.

 “Duh,” she responded. “Because you’re gay.”

After explaining to her that I had no fashion sense and could not help her anymore than the straight guys on her floor, she dramatically jumped on her bed and crossed her arms.  And then she said something hateful.

“OK, thanks Jeff. Thanks for nothing.  And do you know what?  You’re not even a real gay guy.”


Stereotypes are so 2010.  Here are some signs that you are not a real gay guy.

Sign ( 1 ) One – Music.  I’m a fan of Lady Gaga, but not her music.  If I hear “The Edge of Glory” one more time, you’re going to find me on the edge of a bridge about to jump off.  If you’re jamming out to Smashing Pumpkins, Bush, Nirvana, Stone Temple Pilots, and Third Eye Blind, you are not a real gay.  And if you are using a glory hole in a gay bar while listening to “The Edge of Glory,” you go girl!

Sign ( 2 ) Two – Fashion.  V-necks that plunge to your dick, tight jeans that show off your moose knuckle, and glitter is not for me.  Well, maybe the occasional tight jeans, but that’s just because I’m gaining weight and don’t want to buy new pants.  If you are caught in flannel, sports apparel, mesh shorts, and the sneakers and tube sock combo, you are not a real gay.  Get a grip and go to the fucking Gap already.

Sign ( 3 ) Three – Communication.  Ok, this sign is simple.  If you use the word “bro” more than the word “girl,” you are not a real gay.  Bonus points if you use bro during sex. I do.

Sign ( 4 ) Four – Free Time.  If you spend countless hours watching sports, planning fantasy football teams, and NOT watching One Tree Hill, you are not a real gay.  I actually don’t watch a bunch of sports, but I do partake in fantasy sports – except I call it role play?


Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...