October 27, 2011

The Pubic Hair Incident

My junior year of college, I was dating this great guy for a few months, but all good things – such as the LIZZE MCGUIRE series – must come to an end.  Do you know that awkward moment at the tail end of the relationship where you both want to end things, but no one really wants to?  Well, like John Lennon, I get by with a little help from my friends. And a little help from wine; which, I suppose, is why I decided to end things.
In a restaurant on a busy Friday night on an outdoor patio with around fifty people sitting around us, of course.
“I don’t mean to be rude,” I started.  When I say this, the next few phrases that come out of my mouth are probably the rudest things you will ever hear.  “But since we are both being open and honest, I have a couple things to say.”
To add, I said this unprovoked after five minutes of eating in silence.  The second bottle of white wine had just arrived to the table.  I poured a full glass, took a sip, and then poured a bit more being continuing on.
“This is getting dramatic and neither of us are having fun.  It’s both of us.  We both have issues.  Some more than others,” I said as I eyed him down.  “But, I think I should just get a few things off of my chest, once and for all.  You know?”
I literally spent the next ten minutes stating every last thing that I did not like about him.  Since I was drunk, I think I made up a bunch of shit, too.  Whatever.  He just looked at me in silence the whole time.  He was quiet.  TOO QUIET.
“AT LEAST I DON’T HAVE A DISGUSTING THUNDER BUSH LIKE YOU DO.  WOULD IT KILL YOU TO FUCKING SHAVE YOUR PUBIC HAIR?  JESUS!” He screamed just short of on the top of his lungs as he tossed down his silverware.
I was in complete shock.  Everyone in the restaurant was in complete silence.  I heard a woman whisper, “honey, what’s a thunder bush?”  I, to this day, don’t know what he meant by that.
Does anyone remember that moment when Ashlee Simpson got caught lip synching so she just danced around the stage and acted like an idiot?  Do not judge her.  At this moment in my life, I felt her pain; of course, on a very small level, but I felt her pain.
I said the only thing that came to mind.
“You know I hate to garden!  And it’s an apartment building; my landlord is responsible for that.”
“You’re fucking crazy.  Let’s go,” he said and stormed off into the restaurant, out the front door, and down the street to his car.
I was left alone.  The entire patio was staring at me, in addition to a few people that happened to be talking a late night walk.  Of course, I did the most graceful thing I could think of; I chugged the wine, laughed to myself, burped, and got the fuck out of there.

Things Not To Say On A Date


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