September 23, 2011

Five Signs I No Longer Live In Buffalo

Sign One ( 1 ) - Manners.  Contrary to popular belief, Los Angeles is actually a moderately friendly place. Well, I also spend a lot of time in West Hollywood, wear tight jeans, and have nice hair, so that may have something to do with it -- but nonetheless -- some things are just done differently in Buffalo.

My hometown is unique because: you say hello to strangers on the street, hold the door open for everyone (even if they are about ten steps behind you), and more than once, have probably been caught in a friendly "waveathon" at a 4-way stop intersection ... "No, you go! No, you! Ok, thanks." In LA, or for that matter, most places in the United States : If you say hi to a stranger on the street, they think you're crazy. If you hold open a door, people think you want something in return. And interesections? You're lucky if people even stop.

Sign Two ( 2 ) - Government. My mayor can now read. And write. I think in Spanish, too.

Sign Three ( 3 ) - Soda. I can no longer get by saying, " I would like a pop, please." But, when you think about it, what sounds better? I want to soda your cherry or I want to pop your cherry. Exactly.

Sign Four ( 4 ) - Money. In Buffalo, one could go out with 40 bucks and : go out to dinner with friends, pay for parking, buy half a dozen drinks, get fast food at 4AM, and then split a cab home. In Los Angeles, $40.00 will pay for parking and half a drink. Insider tip : Boxed Wine + Public Transportation = LOVE. I think I got roofied the other night, but if you are bound to black out, sometimes it's just better to cut out the middle man. And cheaper.

Sign Five ( 5 ) -Beauty. OK, most people will say that I am crazy, but Buffalo honestly, for the most part, has one of the most attractive populations of people I've ever seen. Yeah, in New York City or Los Angeles, there are more "drop dead gorgeous" people, but my little rust belt city back east has a great looking bunch of folks!  Also, it ain't no coincidence that Bills were just ranked the BEST LOOKING NFL TEAM! And it ain't no coincidence that I kissed three players.

Now -- Find out the Reasons Why You Should Have Sex With Someone From Buffalo.


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